My disease is chronic, but His Word is eternal

Over 20 years ago, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, forever altering the
course of my life and posing an ongoing threat to my identity and confidence. Type 1
Diabetes is an autoimmune disease in which your pancreas ceases to make insulin, a
vital hormone in your body that breaks down food and allows the proper amount of
“glucose in the blood to enter cells, providing them with the energy to function . . .
Insulin is essential for staying alive.” * Type 1 Diabetes differs from Type 2 in that Type 1
is chronic, often referred to as “juvenile” diabetes because many are diagnosed as
adolescents; Type 2 Diabetes is often a by-product of older age, poor weight
management or diet and can often be reversed or improved, as the pancreas still has
some functionality.

At 11 years old, I started to display uncharacteristic symptoms and mood
changes, drastically dropping weight, incredibly thirsty all the time, and lethargic and low
energy levels. After a series of blood tests and a visit with my doctor, my parents were
advised to take me to the hospital, as it was more than likely Type 1 Diabetes.

I was an age where I didn’t fully understand everything that was going on, but I
also knew that this was significant enough that it was going to change my life. Following
the official diagnosis, on top of now managing a new, scary disease, I was also treading
into the uncharted waters of teenage years and puberty. With the nature of the disease
being an autoimmune disease in which the body fights itself, I found myself prone to a
little more weight gain, physical pain and stress, and feeling self-conscious of being a
burden to friends and family, as I had to do life a little differently than the average kid my
age. Because of this, I started to withdraw into myself and, while this built my pain
tolerance and self-sufficiency, it also lent itself to feelings of being misunderstood,
different, and isolated. Eventually, the chronic nature of the disease set in with bouts of
depression and discouragement. I found myself questioning God’s goodness and
wrestling with the question, “If God is good and all-knowing, why would He allow this to
happen to me? What purpose does this disease serve for my greater good or the
proclaiming of His Gospel?”

At 14 I felt called into worship ministry, an unexpected and unprecedented calling
given my insecurity and shy, introverted nature. As I began to pursue this call and grow
and develop into my late teens and early 20s, the diabetes continued to feel like it
continuously hovered over every aspect of my life, not contributing towards any good,
just a constant thorn in my side. I prayed and contended for healing, had many others
pray and lay hands on me, sought counseling and treatment for my depression, and
tried to find any hope in the midst of chronic disease. I found myself viewing the
diabetes with shame and even embarrassment, wanting to shove it in a closet and hope
that it would just disappear and leave me alone.

I am the type of person that needs to understand the “why” to get behind
something. For so many years, my diabetes seemed to serve no purpose other than
frustration and I searched for some kind of purpose or answer for it. I began to see my
life in disjointed sections that didn’t fit together – my call to worship ministry in one
section, hobbies and talents somewhat related, but then the diabetes and ongoing
struggle of both a physical and mental health disease sitting in a completely separate
section.

I found myself sitting in a service at a women’s conference, once again crying out
in frustration and anger to God. In that moment, I felt as if the Lord zoomed out my
perspective so I could finally see the bigger picture. He showed me how the diabetes
had broken me in a way to have a deep, first-hand compassion for those struggling with
a physical or mental health ailment. This had transformed how I related to others, how I
prayed for them, and ultimately, as I led them in worship, how we came before the Lord
together in a deeper, richer dependance, humility, and surrender. He clarified to me that,
though He had not caused me to have diabetes – it wasn’t a punishment – how He was
redeeming it and using it, tying it directly into His calling on my life. Rather than all the
“sections” of my life being disjointed, they were all being redeemed and knit together by
His craftmanship. And ultimately, He revealed to me that while this disease is chronic in
this lifetime, it is not eternal; He has promised me healing. I may not experience healing
on this side of eternity, on this earth, but He has promised that I will one day be fully
transformed and renewed. While something with a “chronic” label can feel so daunting
and discouraging, chronic is not eternal. My disease is chronic, but God’s Word and His
redemption, renewal, and offer of salvation is eternal.

There is still struggle and frustration. I still find myself in seasons where I’m angry
at God, confused, hurt, feeling unseen or even rejected in my pain – both physical and
mental. But I hold fast to God’s Word and promises. He has given us examples of His
faithful people who also experienced suffering – Paul with the thorn in his side, Job
losing everything in an instant and being tormented by Satan, Joseph being sidelined
and spending years in prison after being promised an incredible future of power and
authority, Mary facing societal shame and judgement for a pregnancy out of wedlock,
and ultimately, Jesus facing the cross, taking on the full weight of sin, and experiencing
separation from God the Father. These examples are a gift to us, to see how others
have wrestled through challenge and hardship and taken these frustrations to God;
never slandering or denying Him, but also not being silent with their questions or
struggles. And in every situation – including mine and yours – God is there, closer than
a brother, willing to take all the emotions and pain and in their place, bring healing and
redemption.

My disease is chronic, but His Word is eternal.