To The Girl Struggling In Silence With Sexual Addiction

I struggled silently with sexual addiction for years, almost 10 to be exact, and have never shared until now. My name is Emma Ramacher, and this is my REAL testimony. 

From a young age, I was raised knowing that Jesus was real, and that we should go to church. He loved me I assumed and was told, but I never had confirmation on this within my own mind. I knew we should thank God before every meal, and going to church was good for me. Beyond this, I knew a couple Bible stories and why Easter and Christmas are important. 

Characteristics, sacrificial love, and the hope found in Jesus were all things I was not completely aware of. Unfortunately, before I could grasp God’ s love for me, the enemy had already grasped his hatred toward me. 

At the young age of only eight or nine, I was introduced to sexual terms and definitions I was unaware of. A friend who was a little older than I had taught me about them, without me asking. My heart aches for both of us as I look back at it now. We were both unequipped and had biblically improper education on what God had to say about these topics. She was beginning to get curious about topics like this, as most pre-teens entering puberty are, I just so happened to be the friend she chose to share these new ideas she researched with. 

Not long after hearing this new information that had been shared with me, I found myself addicted to masturbation. The worst part, I didn’t know I was experiencing addiction for 3-4 years, that it was a sin, that it was wrong, or that I would take control over my life. As I got older I wondered if what I was experiencing was wrong, since I knew so little about what I was doing. What I was stuck in started to feel secretive, shameful, and gross. Little did I know this was conviction tapping my shoulder. 

At one point I even tried to open up to a group of girls I knew, to see if I was alone in this; what felt like a war in my mind and body. Almost immediately the girls shut me down. They said they did not want to talk about these things, and that it was weird to talk about them anyways. I have no harsh feelings toward them, I love them! They didn’t know anything about this stuff either. 

A couple more years of addiction went by, and at this point I knew I was living in active sin but stayed there anyways. 

Come high school, I met my ex-boyfriend whom I dated off and on for almost 2 years. My own sexual addiction and his non-existent relationship with Christ powered together to create an enormous amount of guilt and shame, more than I had ever felt. 

The summer of my freshman year, my Dad got in a horrible accident. God met me in the parking lot of the hotel we were living in for the summer. He assured me my Dad would live, but it was time to start living differently. 

God is a gentle Father, and He loves His children. He is a gentleman, Revelation 3:20 reminds us of this when it speaks of Jesus knocking at the door and speaking, waiting to be let in. Jesus was always knocking at my door, and I could hear His voice, but I didn’t know it was His, so I never opened it. But that night in the hotel parking lot, He spoke and I recognized His voice. Now, I wasn’t delivered from my ongoing sin instantaneously, however, I knew I wasn’t fighting alone anymore. 

When Jesus told Peter to walk to Him on the sea, Peter listened but began to sink before fully walking. Peter knew it would be difficult, and felt nearly impossible, to walk on the water. Even in all his doubt though, he cried out to the Lord to help him. 

I was still sinking for a while, but instead of drowning again, I was calling out to the Lord instead. God ignited a spark of hope within me that I had never felt before.

Today, I am addiction free and have been for a good while now. I can confidently say that God freed me from my sexual addiction. I deeply understand the way sexual addiction overtakes a young girls’ or any girls’, mind. It changes perspectives, your relationship with yourself, others, and those of romantic nature. Sexual addiction feels like a prison in your mind you will never be released from. However, remember that this is just how it feels. The way something feels in your mind is not equal to the Biblical truth about it. God chose you when He already knew about the addiction in your life. 

Remember though, this is not something you can heal from on your own. You have to let God into every single frustration, temptation, and moment. Let Him restore you, let Him heal you, and let Him nail your addiction to the cross. 

It took a lot of time for me to heal from my addiction. I had to open up to older and wiser mentors, make boundaries for myself, and completely re-wire how I operated. My mindset had to completely shift, and I felt like I had to create a whole new operating system for the way I thought. 

Now I am passionate about sharing my experiences to help other young women struggling in similar ways and talking about a topic that many people never discuss with others. 

If God can reach and speak to me when I wasn’t even aware of who He really was, then He can certainly reach you too. In fact, He is already knocking at your door. The question is, are you going to listen and let Him in?