To the Girl Struggling With Boundaries

You’re sitting in class. It’s the third grade. You are 8 years old. Today, you are learning about
boundaries. Boundaries are lines that separate different regions of the Earth. They can be
physical, political, or cultural. Fast forward, many years later, and boundaries have a much vaster
meaning. Now, boundaries are personal, vulnerable, intimate, and much more complicated than
the definition you learned in the third grade. Boundaries, as integral as they are, have a funny
way of sneaking up on us. During early childhood, boundaries were a simple “yes” or “no.”
Fully believing that a boundary could be navigated with one single word. And as we age, we
quickly realize the vastness of the concept and its necessity in our lives.

God’s boundaries are His loving restraints to keep you from falling away from him and the
abundant life he offers (John 10:10). God set up boundaries in the Garden of Eden for Adam and
Eve. They could eat from every tree in the garden except for the tree of knowledge (Genesis
2:17). God provided them with free reign in his garden, to live in His goodness and protection.
Adam and Eve were not being controlled, as God did not stop them when they ate from the tree.
However, choosing to cross that boundary led to destruction beyond what they could have
imagined. God placed that boundary in order to protect His creation, and disobeying that had
consequences. We must learn that God does not give us boundaries in order to make our lives
miserable and robotic. He does so that we can become sanctified. He does so that we run towards
Him and not our fleshly temptations.

God encourages the practice and use of boundaries to protect ourselves from idolization,
obsession, and dependence on anyone but God. Be mindful of idols—anything that takes God’s
place in our hearts or detracts from His glory (Psalm 115:4 – 8). We must actively reject anything
that could hinder our relationship with Christ, committing ourselves to the transformative work
He is doing in our lives. Setting boundaries is a way to nurture the fruit of the Spirit, particularly
self-control. Recognizing our need for self-control leads us to submit to God’s will, enabling us
to make choices that honor Him. They are essential for a life pleasing to the Lord, because they
are in place to protect your heart and your purity. God works within the spaces of your
boundaries to continue to posture your heart towards Him. The concept can sometimes feel
harsh, debilitating, constricting, and suffocating. It can feel like a daunting task to have to keep a
laundry list of things you cannot do, cannot say, cannot act upon. But as we grow in our walk
with the Lord, and our lives become more complex, the rigid structure of a boundary becomes
more comforting than restricting. As the fluidity of the seasons of life come and go in
complications, feelings, and desires, we crave bits and pieces that are certain and unwavering.

Putting these boundaries in place can sometimes feel intimidating, especially if we thirst for
approval from the people in our lives. We yearn for a pat on the back, encouragement, and unity.
We are fearful of disagreement, exclusion, backlash, and disappointment. When we feel the latter, and struggle to place these necessary borders up, is exactly when the Lord is sitting at the
table. Hoping that you choose to look to Him. Hoping that you choose to bring that discomfort,
in all its messiness to the table. Hoping you lay it on the table, and ask Him for help. A simple
invitation that God is so desperately waiting for you to receive. Despite our shame, He steps into
the mess and tells you He understands. He steps into our space and instead of immediately going
to clean up the mess we told Him about, gives us a warm embrace. He steps over the mounds of
dirt, the piles of shame, the seas of guilt, to first get to us. To look us in the eye and say, “Thank
you daughter. Thank you for letting me in. Thank you for meeting me at the table. Thank you for
entrusting me to walk with you. Thank you for believing that I am bigger than your mess,
confusion, shame, guilt, and fear. I am yours and you are mine.” He wraps us up tightly in this
truth, in the comfort of His arms, and suddenly the mess doesn’t seem so unmanageable. God
says to you, “So, now that we have reestablished who you are to me, what do you need? What do
you desire?” You turn away from his eyes, but say “Lord, I do not know how to set up
boundaries for myself. Lord, I am fearful of being ridiculed for having any at all. Jesus, I do not
know how to articulate my boundaries in a way that makes sense or seems biblical. I want to live
and abide by you, but my fear of sounding stupid, feeling unwise, and being abandoned is greater
than I would like to admit.” Then, something odd happens. Something you didn’t expect. Jesus
smiles. He turns your eyes back towards him. He tells you, “Daughter, you just took the first
step.”

Boundaries teach us that life is not about pursuing everything we want, but surrendering to the
Lord and following Him. Boundaries are designed to teach us to surrender every desire of our
heart to the Lord, and trust that whatever God chooses to do with it is the good thing. Not only
that, but trusting that whatever He does will bring us true contentment. The first step of
sanctification is recognizing our childlike dependence on the Lord. Once we lay it at His feet, He
swoops in to light our path and guide our hearts. God so desperately wants us to lean on Him
when our boundaries are being pushed or crossed. Shame is not from Him. We must rely on Him
to sustain us and provide us the strength to say no, because our own strength will fail. While our
own strength ebbs and flows, His is a constant river that never dries out (Isaiah 26:3-4 & Isaiah
58:11).

In order to create and adhere to boundaries that align with the Lord’s desires for our lives on
Earth, we must first come to be sound in who we are in Christ. Our convictions will fall into
place afterwards. Until we know who He says we are, and believe that it is our true identity, it is
near impossible to adhere to boundaries that make you look more like Jesus. Understanding
yourself and what actions and conversations make you falter, and then communicating that is
glorifying to God. It brings an insurmountable feeling of closeness to the Father. How sweet is it
that we serve a God that wants us to run to Him even when we fall short. Without biblical
boundaries, we vanish into other people. The lines between us and those around us become
blurred, complicated, and invisible. We begin to look more like the world than like Christ – a world that hated the one perfect man to ever walk it (John 15:18). We fade into the world, set our
eyes upon fleshly desire, and turn our eyes away from Jesus (Romans 8:4-6). Boundaries are
designed to protect you, not control you.

Recognize that setting boundaries is not selfish when we use our freedom to love and serve
others, as it reflects self-discipline and aligns with God’s Word. Saying “no” to someone who
crosses personal boundaries in harmful ways is not selfish but rather necessary for protecting
both individuals’ spiritual well-being. Healthy boundaries honor God by supporting mutual care
for each other’s faith and sanctification. Sanctification means being purified, made holy, and set
apart for God (2 Timothy 2:21). As believers, we are called to live pure lives because Christ
exchanged our sin for His righteousness on the cross, making us new creations (2 Corinthians
5:17). Our old sinful nature has died, and now we live by faith in the One who gave His life for
us (Galatians 2:20).

You are deeply cared for and seen by the Lord. He takes delight in knowing you. That includes
the depth of your struggles. We too often believe we are too much for Him. Too messed up, too
broken, too far gone. Know that you are not. You never have been. Desiring to look more like
Him requires us to let Him in, because attempting to become sanctified and righteous by your
own strength will only lead to exhaustion and resentment. Be refreshed in knowing you serve an
eternal God, that loves without bounds and chases down your heart in all your failure and pride.
Jesus died on the cross knowing every way in which you will fall short throughout this lifetime.
The nails in His hands were not in vain. He looks at you and calls you his daughter (2
Corinthians 6:18). That is more than we could ever need. We swim in the ocean of His grace.
That is enough to equip us for every battle. The war is won, and you will forever be victorious in
Him.

<3 Sydney Thomas