Not Too Far Gone

Did you ever have a time in your life where it felt like every small thing was piling up and being thrown at you and you just thought, God what the heck I can’t handle it anymore? This was how I felt going into my senior year of high school. I had slowly fallen into a deep depression and didn’t fully realize when it started but everything just felt like there was a haze over it. I had found out a girl made a video making fun of me and posted it on social media that sent me spiraling. Then just a few weeks later, my grandmother who I was closest with went on hospice and passed away. It felt like the world was against me and nothing would make it stop. I was angry at God, and didn’t think He could help me during this time. So, I turned to the world. I turned to partying, drinking, hooking up with my ex all to try to fulfill this emptiness I felt.  I was so hopeless and didn’t know what was here on earth for me. I truly believed there was no purpose for me and I didn’t have any hope of getting better. Now don’t get me wrong, I still was doing life on the outside. I helped my lacrosse team go to the State Championship that spring, celebrated all of the end of year senior things and went into summer excited for the next chapter ahead of me. I had decided to go across the country to TCU, and thought once I am there everything will be better again. As I got to TCU, things definitely felt like they were getting better. I had a close group of friends, got plugged into a bible study, joined a sorority, on the outside everything was on the up and up. But still despite all of this joy I was feeling, it wasn’t fulfilling. I even went to church on Sundays and met with a small group, but it was like there was still this emptiness in me. I still felt like there was no hope for me that this was just what it was going to be. To girls who might be feeling this constant emptiness, like there just doesn’t seem like there is anything left for them, please don’t give up hope. One of the biggest things that helped me was to let people in. At first, I didn’t want to tell people that I was feeling this way, I didn’t want to be a burden to them. So, I kept it all inside and suffered alone. Truly this makes everything 100 times worse. When I finally told someone about my struggles and asked for truth and wisdom, that was when things started to turn a corner. I was honest with my two leaders, about my doubts, my struggles, my anger, everything. At this point I was about to start my second semester at TCU, and I said I was going to give God a chance. I had grown up in church but never really had a personal relationship with Christ. So, I started hanging out with my two leaders more, questioned so many things as I tried to read the bible, and wrestled with what it meant to follow Christ. If you ask my leaders, Hallie and Haley, they will tell you that I wrestled and wrestled with this idea of being a follower of Christ. One day I even came to them with an entire list of questions and doubts and thoughts about walking away from it all and just going back to the party scene. However, God continued to show me His grace and love through Haley and Hallie. They never gave up on me and continued to encourage me and sit with me as I questioned it all. If you have doubts, or are wrestling with the choice to pursue a relationship with Christ, ask those hard questions. I remember Hallie telling me, “I would rather have a hundred conversations like that where we wrestled with doubts and questions and worked through those than have you throw in the towel and walk away because that is easier.” I promise that the people around you want to help you, they want to wrestle those doubts with you. If you don’t have another person in your life that is further along in their faith, try to find one. It can be so helpful to see someone a little further along in their faith journey to help with your own journey too.  It hit summer time, and I was at an 8 week discipleship program with my leaders. There was a night talking about confession and I broke. One of my biggest hold ups was that I felt like I had sinned too much and yelled at God and blamed Him for things, so there was no way He still wanted a relationship with me. But oh was I wrong. James 5:16 says “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” This was my turning point. It all finally clicked in my head.  I confessed to Haley and Hallie some of my darkest moments that I never thought I would bring to the light. I wanted to hand over every coping mechanism and false fulfillment I was turning to and give it to God.  On May 31st, 2024 I finally surrendered my life to Christ. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be living the life that I am but I can say with complete confidence that now I do have hope, I know what my purpose is, and I have felt joy and love in a way that I have never experienced before. I now am passionate about showing this love to others and lead a bible study to help girls who might experience similar feelings. So, to whoever is reading this, don’t ever believe you are too far gone or that there is no hope for you. Even when we feel like we are in the darkest pit with nothing around us, God is throwing out His hand and saying Come to me all who are weary and burdened (Matthew 11:28). He will renew your life, and show you all the possibilities that are available to you when in a relationship with Him.

<3 KK Milanowski