Brokenness to Blessings: Navigating the Journey of Divorce

When you hear the word “divorce,” what comes to mind? Maybe feelings of hurt, anger, and loss. Times of abrupt change. Memories of being put in the middle of situations you didn’t want to be in. Maybe empathy for a friend who has experienced these things. To the sister who relates to any of this, let me tell you that you are not alone.

My parents sat me down and told me they were separating when I was in second grade. I had no comprehension of why my mom and dad could no longer be married-it didn’t make sense in my mind, and I remember my response was something like “give me a few days, give me some time, and I will think of a solution…let me help.” They comforted me and told me their separation had nothing to do with me, and assured me there wasn’t anything I could do. Yet I still felt like I had to fix what was so suddenly coming unraveled within the four walls of my home.

My dad moved out shortly thereafter, and my mom worked hard to find a way to keep paying for our home so we wouldn’t have to move. She reached out to some friends, and we found a mom and her 15 year old daughter in a similar situation and looking for a place to live. From my vantage point of today, this was one of the biggest blessings amidst the hard situation. They became like family, especially the daughter, who encouraged and inspired me in ways that only an older sister can, and I’m still close with her. But at the time, all I wanted was my normal back. I didn’t want anything to change because I was still set on fixing what was irreparable.

Though over the next few years, I grew (somewhat) more accustomed to my new normal. When friends came over, I would explain that my parents were divorced and my mom and I lived with roommates. Every night, I would talk to my dad over FaceTime, since he took jobs out of state. When he was back in Washington for a visit, he would take me on local adventures, with the motto being quality time over quantity time. But those brief visits never could make up for the daily lost time, and I longed for him and my mom to get back together. 

As I moved through middle school, I continued to struggle with having divorced parents. The two of them were as gracious and considerate as possible, always striving to keep me out of the middle, show up for events, and support me as best as they could-but they were still divorced, and I felt that deep void in my family. My parents also started seeing other people, and as much as I wanted to be happy for them, I felt resentful and struggled again to accept the truth that my parent’s marriage was irreparable. During this time, I saw a few counselors and met with some groups for students who had divorced parents. This support did help see me through all the changes, but what impacted my experience the most was joining a girls small group at a nearby church in 7th grade. Looking back, this was a turning point in my life, as it set my feet down a path of acceptance, growth, and even gratitude for what God brought out of the divorce.

Around the time I started attending that small group, my dad came back to Washington and moved into an apartment nearby. I was thrilled to have him closer, but it again presented a new change to get used to. The mom and daughter living with us also moved out, and an older woman moved in. She quickly became like a grandmother to me, but this was again another change to get used to. It was a huge blessing to have that small group as a consistent space to share about my experiences and hear from other girls who had experienced similar challenges and changes, and they also encouraged me to consider how God was working in the midst of it all.

Through this, my faith began to become the foundation of my life, and I was baptized the August before my freshman year of high school. I continued to connect with the small group as well as the student leadership team at that church through the first half of high school. I became best friends with some of the girls, and we all felt like one big family. This community was such a sweet blessing from God, especially because the next few years brought (surprise!) more familial changes to get used to.

My dad remarried very quickly and unexpectedly in the summer before my junior year, and I felt I didn’t have any time to get to know my new stepmom before we were family. This reignited my feelings of grief over my broken family. Not only was this another change to get used to, it was a change that drew a hard and fast line, echoing that my parents would truly never get back together and finally dashing that tiny spark of hope I had held onto all those years. Grief can sometimes come in that way-suddenly showing up at your doorstep without an invitation and unpacking all its bags before you have a moment to breathe. I wish I could tell you it leaves as soon as it comes, but that is rarely the case. Grief demands to be felt. But for me in this season, what made all the difference was that I had a community to help point me back to the Lord.

Pause. Friend, if you do not have a strong community surrounding you, I encourage you to do whatever you can to find it. Pray that the Lord would bring into your life those who will sit with you in darkness, walk with you in valleys, and dance with you on mountains. Know that you are more than welcome here, and there are women who want to know you and be in community with you.

One of my best friends whom I met through that church community introduced me to James 1:2-4, and it became a central verse for me during that time. It tells us to “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” I wrote it out, hung it on my wall, and repeated it daily. And in doing so, I slowly began to witness it come to life. Where I first saw only the crevasses the divorce left in my family, I began to see flowers blooming from those empty spaces. My family, while broken, was expanding in ways it could not otherwise. Building relationships with my stepmom, as well as the man my mom continued to see, took a lot of time and vulnerability. There were challenges and times I questioned if I would be able to develop deep relationships with them. But today, they are such important members of my family, and I couldn’t imagine my life without them.

In Isaiah 43:19, God declares “Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” There are many times when we may want to go around our “wildernesses and deserts,” but it is in these very spaces where God makes “ways and rivers” right through them. I saw God take the brokenness in my family and use it to increase my family with more people who would encourage me, support me, love me, and point me more towards God. He truly makes beauty from the ashes. And when we surrender control to the One who is in control-when we release the need to fix everything and instead trust the One who makes all things new-we will encounter blessings far greater than we could ever ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).

This summer, my mom and future stepdad are getting engaged, and my dad and stepmom are celebrating their third wedding anniversary, and my heart is so full. So to the girl who is celebrating the unexpected blessings from her family’s divorce, I am rejoicing with you!! And my encouragement to you is this:

• Thank the Lord that He has blessed you with such a sweet season, and use this as an opportunity to share all that He’s done through the trials! “Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! His faithful love endures forever” (Psalm 136:1).
• Continue to seek His will for places/things to surrender in your life, because surrender is a way we can actively participate in our own refining and sanctifying. God wants to guide you and grow you in every moment!
• Because there will inevitably be more seasons of grief and change in your life, instill the goodness and faithfulness of God in your heart now! Whether that’s by writing out what He’s done on a notecard, sharing it with your community, or any other way, give yourself an opportunity to be reminded of His consistent character later on.

And to the girl who is really struggling with the divorce, I have been there, too. Sister, I know it is heartbreaking. The grief is real and it needs to be felt. And in the midst of your grief, my encouragement to you is this:

• Remember that God is sovereign over all things, even this. Trust that He is working all things together for your good and His glory. Fall into the arms of your good, good Father, for “He will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6). 
• Take your thoughts captive and do not allow the enemy’s lies to become your truths. Preach God’s truths over yourself and your trials by diving into the Bible. If you don’t know where to start, I recommend reading Romans 8, Ephesians 4, Philippians (it’s a short one), and 1 John 4.
• Be in community. Sister, I cannot emphasize this enough! Surround yourself with those who will grieve with you as changes and challenges come, and encourage you to see those trials as an opportunity to build your foundation on the rock of the Lord. In the middle of trials, it can be so easy to remain trapped inside of them, but having external perspectives can help us see the light beyond the darkness.

I have had to surrender the desire to perfectly repair my family many, many times, and there are still days that I want to cling to control. In fact, I’m writing this during my first summer home from college, and I’m learning how to balance coming home to two homes. This experience has brought up new grief for me, and I’m working to walk through that with God and my community; and the more I surrender, the more I am reminded of His grace, love, and healing restoration power. This loss will always be a part of my life, and I expect it to show up in new ways as time goes on. But what will also always be a part of my life are the blessings that came from it. God, being the incredible artist that He is, took the broken pieces of my family and beautifully fit them together with others in the way that only He can do. And I am confident that He can do the same for you, too.

Savonnah Mitchell ❤️