A season of suffering: when will it end?

Do you feel like you’re facing one trial after another? Nothing seems to ever go your way? Could you describe yourself as a “modern-day Job?” Then friend, you are in good company. Allow me 5 minutes of your time to briefly share with you the absolute rollercoaster of emotions and hardships I have endured over the last 6 years of my life and why I have chosen to stand on the Rock through it all.

Let’s start from the beginning. It’s 2019, and I have fallen “head over heels” for this guy named Dwight. We worked together at a church and spent every day together outside of that. We went from dating to married in 6 months. Yeah, not a lot of time to get to know somebody you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. But I was 20, so I knew everything I needed to know about life already… Spoiler alert: I knew absolutely nothing.

Three months after we got married, we found out I was pregnant. We were so excited. I had always wanted to be a wife and mother, so it felt like all my dreams had finally come true. God finally gave me everything I had prayed for. My life was complete! But, shortly after that, our marriage became very challenging. We started to learn things about each other that we didn’t know before we said “I do.” Past trauma, secrets, insecurities, and financial struggles—it all seemed to hit us one after another. Many nights filled with yelling, crying, blaming, shutting each other out, sleeping on the couch, and running from the issues. I thought to myself, “What have I done? Why did I get married so quickly? Did I make a mistake?”

Once our son, Malachi, was born, we knew we had to fight even harder to work through our issues because we wanted to remain a family. So, we attempted to move forward and forgive the past. 4 months after Malachi was born, we found out I was pregnant again. I was absolutely terrified. I remember shaking and crying as I held the positive pregnancy test that I was so certain was going to be negative. Dwight reassured me and told me we were going to be okay. But I didn’t feel like I was going to be okay. I told him, “I can’t do this. I have to get an abortion.” I lived in denial for multiple weeks after that. Not letting myself think about the fact that I was pregnant again. I kept pushing off setting up an appointment to get an abortion because it went against everything I believed, but if I told myself I was going to do it, it gave me a sense of control and relieved some of the anxiety I was feeling about it. About a month after I found out I was pregnant, I was watching my little Malachi play with his toys, and I thought to myself, “I can’t wait to see what Malachi does for God’s Kingdom.” And that’s when I heard that gentle whisper in my ear. “What about this other child? I have plans for them too.” And in that moment I felt so much guilt. I couldn’t go through with it. This is my child, but more importantly, GOD’S child. I finally accepted the reality I was in and told Dwight I wasn’t going to follow through with an abortion.

Throughout my second pregnancy we attempted to work through our marriage issues. But, a few months after Truett was born, Dwight lost his job. Between financial hardship and postpartum recovery, we seemed to only add to the list of issues we were facing. Eventually he found another job, but then the company laid off 40% of their staff, including Dwight. After finding another job, he was let go again. He found contracted work that ended up not renewing his contract at the last second after being told they wanted to hire him onto staff full-time. It was hit after hit after hit after hit. The financial strain and anxiety kept us up at night. I often cried out to God, begging Him to turn everything around.

After some time, fast forward to mid-2024, Dwight was finally able to find a position that supported us well. Things finally started to look good in life. We had been able to work through marriage issues, and we were stronger than ever. Our little family was taken care of, and we finally were experiencing stability. But the peace didn’t last long. After a routine wellness exam, I was told that I may have precancerous cells. Sitting on an exam table at a doctor’s office and being shown where I was at on a scale of “healthy to cancer” was not something I had on my bingo card. I wasn’t even being told that I have cancer; I was just told I MIGHT have cells that COULD be cancerous. But the fear and anxiety consumed me. After a few months of appointments and tests, I was finally cleared on everything. Praise the Lord! I didn’t have any precancerous cells. Realizing that I wasn’t immortal was a very humbling experience.

About a month after that, my older brother, Conner, ended up in the ICU. He has severe special needs and became very sick. His organs were failing, and doctors were telling my parents that it didn’t look good. I remember visiting him in the hospital and preparing myself for that being the last time I saw him. But, through the power of prayer, he recovered and was able to go home and is doing well now! I remember praying after that, “Okay, Lord. I am ready to enter a season of peace, stability, and abundance. I deserve it. I have faced enough hardship.” But the hardship was far from over.

Just a few days after my older brother, Conner, came home from the hospital, on August 23rd, 2024, my 16-year-old little brother, Cash, unexpectedly passed away from a seizure. The world stopped turning the moment I received that phone call. I replayed those words that were spoken to me by my mom over and over again after I hung up. I fell to the ground and began sobbing and wailing, attempting to gather my things and put my shoes on so I could get to their house as quickly as possible. Was I dreaming? This couldn’t actually be happening. This is the kind of thing that happens to other people, not me. I enter their house, and silence fills the air in a way I didn’t think was possible, accompanied by the faint sound of sniffing and whimpering. We sat together, cried, and held each other. A little while after that it was time to say goodbye to him before they took his body away. We gathered around him, laid hands on him, and prayed. That moment is burned into my memory. We sat there for hours after that in silence. Not many words were said. Just hugs and tears shed. Every trial and struggle in my life had redemption or victory up until that moment. My marriage went from the brink of divorce to restored and thriving; my fear and weakness of having another child gave me the strength to trust God’s timing and a son that brings even more joy to my life, and job inconsistency taught me that I lack nothing (Psalm 23:1). Fearing the possibility of precancerous cells changing to being completely clear and healthy, my older brother went from dying in the hospital to healed and whole. Everything has a victory, but this one thing couldn’t. There is nothing but pain and suffering and mourning now. How am I supposed to move forward if there isn’t redemption here? How am I supposed to heal if there can’t be any sort of redemption?

My friend, let me share with you what I have learned. The Lord has already won. Whether I see the victory or I don’t. Every trial and moment of suffering I have faced or am going to face will never be on my own. God has been with me through it all. He restored the marriage, He healed the sickness, He provided when there was nothing, and He died on that cross so that at the end of it all we will be with Him in paradise. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 22:4 NIV) God wins every single time. And yes, there is a pain that will never be fully healed on this side of Heaven. But the reality is that there is complete healing of all wounds on the other side of it. I have had people ask me why I didn’t give up or why I didn’t turn away from God. And my answer has and always will be: because without Him I wouldn’t have made it through the trials. “God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.” (Psalm 46:1 NLT) “My help comes from the Lord…” (Psalm 121:2 ESV) “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18 NIV) Yes, I still experience suffering, pain, and loss. Yes, I am still mourning. Yes, my marriage isn’t perfect, and I am not a perfect mother. Yes, I get angry at God and question Him. Yes, I sin and fall short every day. Yes, I will face many more trials in my life. But, no matter what I face, if I have Jesus, then I have everything I need. Praise the Lord for the hope we have in Him. Praise Jesus, we can count on Him because He’s the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). Praise Jesus that He tore the curtain in two and restored what we had broken with God. When I’m thrown into the fire again, I will rejoice because God is refining me. If the middle of the fire is where God is, that’s where I want to be.

If you are asking yourself those questions I asked at the beginning of this post, know that the God of the universe, maker of all things, has chosen and loves YOU. He works all things together for His good (Romans 8:28). So no matter what you are facing, whether you have seen the victory or haven’t, rest in His presence and remember that this is just a small sliver of time compared to the 10,000+ years we will spend with Him in eternity. And once we return Home, we will experience the ultimate victory.