Not a Pretty Girl

One night when I was in seventh grade, I was hanging out with my friends and I was called “the DUFF” (designated ugly fat-friend). 

I remember exactly where I was when this happened. I was sitting in my friend’s movie room, on a brown couch. I remember the gut-wrenching feeling I had when those words left my friend’s mouth, and I had to awkwardly scooch through the group of people around a coffee table to get out of that room as fast as I could and run to the bathroom. The moment those words were spoken over me, I felt my heart sink to my stomach.

As I ran into the bathroom, I looked up at the mirror, almost expecting to have this movie moment—like I should start crying and realize I was being bullied. But when I looked in the mirror, that isn’t what happened. My eyes were completely dry, and all I could think to myself was, “I can’t even be mad at my friend who said this to me, because I think she’s right.”

As sad as it is looking back, I truly believed those words to my core. For as long as I can remember, I’ve never felt like a girl who was considered “naturally pretty.” Whether it was having acne, uneven skin tone, not being as skinny as my friends, or having short eyelashes—I felt like I needed makeup just to be on an even playing field, to even come close to measuring up to the other girls.

I started wearing makeup around the fourth grade and was probably wearing a full face to school every day by the time I was 12. I hated going to school without it. I remember the few times I did, kids would ask if I was sick, or people would look at photos of me and say they couldn’t even recognize me. This led me to developing a strong dependency on makeup that’s been a part of my life ever since I was a pre-teen.

This deep-rooted insecurity I had sent me into a violent spiral of chasing after male validation to try and prove to myself that I wasn’t actually “the DUFF.” While my other female friends were picky (in a good way) about the guys they chose, I picked up any guy who would glance in my direction and give me even a little attention. I racked up boyfriend after boyfriend, and when one relationship or fling ended, a new one would start the next day. Part of it was probably because I was so young, but I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. It never crossed my mind that these tendencies were really just a product of me trying to mask a deeper insecurity inside of me.

Fast forward to when I became a Christian at 15, I learned that I didn’t need to chase validation from others to be accepted, but rather that I was already loved and accepted by Jesus. I no longer had to search to find worth in how others saw me, but that my worth was meant to be found in Christ and in Him alone. Because of this, my habits and behaviors with boys changed, and I no longer was chasing the next guy to feel content with myself.

However, my struggle with the deeply embedded lie that I wasn’t pretty enough didn’t just completely disappear. I began to feel like a counterfeit Christian; I felt guilty for caring about the way I looked and how others perceived me when my identity was supposed to be fully rooted in how the Lord saw me.

To be honest, I was initially hesitant to write this blog because it still feels like a topic I don’t have completely figured out yet. Some days I wake up and feel great with no makeup on, and other days looking in the mirror is hard. There are days where the truth of what scripture says about me is really easy to wrap my head around, and other days where that lie just feels really loud.

Normally, I am a big practicals girl. You can ask my sorority sisters who come to the Bible study I lead—regardless of what we are talking about, I usually come up with 2–3 practical takeaways for each topic or scripture we are analyzing, and that’s how we wrap up and end our Bible study. However, when I really sat and reflected on my journey with this topic, I didn’t feel like practicals were the end-all-be-all to where I wrestled most with this issue. I realized that a lot of what was going on in my mind and my heart had more to do with an incorrect view of who was in control of my worth, rather than a lack of clear action steps.

We live in a world where what YOU bring to the table is dependent on your outcome. Do you have the qualifications for this job? Are you attractive enough to be accepted in this group or to be liked by this guy? But as Christians, we don’t put our hope in what we can bring—but rather, in what God can.

I realized that so many of my struggles with confidence and with makeup were rooted in a deep desire to be accepted and to be seen as valuable by others—whether that be by boys, friends, groups/organizations, etc.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel my best and most confident when I have on face makeup, my hair curled, or fake lashes on. There’s nothing inherently wrong or sinful about presenting myself in that way. However, what I’ve had to learn and realize is that no amount of makeup I could put on could make me any more worthy, beautiful, or valuable in the eyes of the Lord. I don’t have to rely on my looks or how I present myself to be accepted, because I am already accepted by Jesus. This truth empowers me to live my life in response to that reality.

Don’t get me wrong—this is still a truth I have to fight to believe in certain circumstances. When I got dropped by a lot of sororities during recruitment, or when my girlfriends got asked out or pursued by guys this year and I didn’t—the enemy wants me to believe that what I look like is the cause of both of those things.

But here is the GOOD NEWS! The TRUTH I get to rest in is that God created me beautifully, in His image, and without flaw. This truth reigns supreme over any modern-day beauty trend, standard, or comparison I could ever make.

The unshakable identity I hold as a daughter of the King triumphs over any label society could attempt to cast on me—whether it’s not being pretty enough, not skinny enough, or not trendy enough. Who I am in Christ is and always will be sufficient. In fact, it is the greatest and most precious identity I will ever hold. Not because of what I have done, but because of what Christ has done for me and in my place. It is because of this identity that I can lay all of my insecurities at the Lord’s feet and trust that God is bigger and greater than each and every one of them.

God is bigger every single time and in every single circumstance. But to remain in this view I have to be remaining in Him. I have to be reading His word, listening to music, consuming media (TV, movies, TikToks), and surrounding myself with people who all echo the truth that my identity in Christ is what defines me. When I’m not doing this, it becomes easier to fall for the lies the enemy whispers and to be swayed by the world’s narrative that our worth depends on us, leaving me stuck and enslaved to my own insecurities.

I can confidently say that the Lord created me intentionally and has good plans for me simply because scripture says so. I don’t have to work harder or put on more makeup to achieve the things I want and desire in life, because the all-sovereign God I believe in has a perfect plan for me. I am more than sufficient in Christ.

<3 Marisol May Gutierrez