I didn’t hide all of myself, only the parts I didn’t like.

I didn’t hide all of myself, only the parts I didn’t like.

In elementary, Limited Too and Old Navy were the brands on trend. Fourth grade Katie was ecstatic entering fitting rooms, but after endless children’s clothing not fitting, she realized something was wrong. Why weren’t children’s clothing fitting her, a child? That’s when it settled in my mind that I was different.
Doctor’s appointments only affirmed the horrible feeling, handing pamphlets to a 10-year old explaining how to lose weight.

At age 13, I remember holding up a pair of jeans and bawling, wanting to look different.

“Why God does this have to be my struggle?” “Why do I have to look this way?” In this same moment, I declared if I was going to be known as “The fat girl,” I was going the be “The pretty fat girl.”

I grew up in church. Yet, the concept of God loving me never equated to myself loving me.

Meanwhile, I polished every outfit and perfected my personality to distract people’s minds from talking about my weight. Yet, there was still a developing desire for love and worth inside of me, unmet.
I convinced everyone I had it all together, but underneath I was crumbling. While people loved me, I hated me.

After college, I grew so tired of hating myself. I was exhausted from crying myself to sleep, despising fitting rooms, and comparing myself to girls around me. It wasn’t a big moment, but a small decision to start loving myself exactly where I was. Attending church wasn’t enough. I had to make the decision to go all in. As I got to know God, I started to see myself the way He saw me.

Beautiful. Worthy. Valued.

I started a new narrative in my life that even though I didn’t look like the girl next to me, I’m still special and no one can be me. I am now a fashion-stylist and model. I am using the skills I love in an industry I believed would never accept me.

It’s not about losing the weight; it’s about being healthy. I want to make that 10-year old girl proud. I want to show her she is worthy of love right now.

To girls struggling with weight, you are the only one who can determine the love you deserve.
For me that was choosing to discover how God saw me.

Xoxo,

Katie Brown