God Sees Your Heart Not Your Sin

On Sunday, March 19th of 2023, I had the opportunity to share my story of addiction with sexual sin to over 90 girls at a Christian college in the PNW. I have shared my story in various places with ranging age groups; yet, this setting was my favorite. I knew I was talking to a room of girls who were desperate for someone to speak to the places that often get missed in christian circles.

Growing up, sure, my parents had the awkward sex talk with me; yet, outside of that conversation, no one really taught or explained to me the design and purpose of sex.

I mean, of course I knew not to have sex before marriage. However, no one spoke to the why.

As a young girl, I deeply wanted boys to notice me and find me beautiful. Instead, I sat on the sideline watching my close girl friends getting asked to school dances and holding hands in the hallways with their boyfriends between classes.

Rejection became my closest companion and I began to believe at a young age something was wrong with me. Maybe God made a mistake when creating me? In my mind it seemed as if He took His time with other girls, but with me, He forgot.

When I was in 7th grade I got my first Myspace account and it was in that time I began to receive messages from strangers telling me how beautiful I was. Where most girls would have deleted and blocked these messages, for me, I was desperate to hear these words.

I began to have seemingly innocent online relationships with strangers until I was in 8th grade and got my first cellphone. Then these conversations soon turned into sexting.

I knew what I was participating in was wrong. Not because of anyone telling me it was; rather, the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach when the conversations ended. I felt alone, full of shame, and completely unseen.

You see, the enemy can’t create what God has intended for your life, he can only imitate it.

For 6 years of my life sexting was my secret sin I carried. It was heavy, and as much as I wanted someone to carry it with me, I didn’t no where to go to who to share with. I didn’t want face the disappointment or worse…judgement.

If I’m honest, the real frustration came when I entered church settings, because I felt as if God rejected me too. Like all the boys that turned the other direction, I felt as if God too.

I thought since God was perfect, He only loved perfect people. And since my life was far from perfect, I knew I didn’t belong. Yet, I desperately wanted to belong.

But how could I? How could I be apart of God’s beautiful plan if I was so full of sin? I never heard of people in the church sharing the things I was doing.

My senior year of high school I went to a church summer camp. I went because of my friends and cute boys, but I really didn’t have any expectations to connect with God. At this point, I had given up on the idea of it all. Yet, God had a different plan.

During the last night of camp, we were in a time of worship, and as my eyes gazed the room, I noticed my friends pressing into the presence of the Lord. They were experiencing something my heart craved. It was real. It was special.

I remember feeling completely stuck. How had my life gotten here? On the outside, my life looked perfect and put together: good grades, christian family, leader at school and church, etc. If only someone would pull back the mask to see how lonely and broken I was.

In a moment of utter desperation, I whispered under my breath, God, I know you see it all. Nothing is hidden from you. If you still want something to do with me, if you can use someone like me, I think I might want that.

An honest prayer opened my heart to the Truth.

Kari Job was leading worship and the lyrics she sung forever changed my life.

“I know that you are for me. I know that you will never forsake me in my weaknesses.”

It was the first time I allowed myself to get close enough to hear the truth of what God thought about me. He said, “April, you are my daughter. This sin will not define you, but I will.”

I dropped to the floor weeping, because I finally understood. Where I thought God saw my life as a messy room in need of a serious cleaning for Him to enter in, I realized He didn’t even see the mess, all He saw was me.

Probably like me, many of us grew up with this idea of behavior modification; rather than heart transformation.

Change this habit, fix this sin, conceal that flaw…then you can have a relationship with God.

I thought because my life wasn’t perfect, He didn’t want anything to do with me. Yet, God doesn’t desire perfect, He desires present.

Yet, God says come as you are… broken, lost, frustrated, bitter… but here is the beautiful part, He won’t leave you as you are.

I knew that night, I had to share with my youth group and leaders this sin that kept me hidden and full of shame. I wanted breakthrough. I wanted a real relationship with God. I knew If i didn’t share, I would go to my same old habits and thought patterns that ultimately fed the addiction in my life.

I stood in front of my youth group and shared for the past 5 years I have struggled with an addiction to sexting. Where I thought I would be met with shame, to my surprise, one by one student began to stand up and share their sexual addictions.

God was using my brokenness to bring healing. He was using my story to bring restoration. I felt so inadequate of the the call He was placing on my life. I was a sinner who continuously flirted with sin. But God saw something in me. He saw someone He could use. He saw beauty. He saw boldness. He saw worth.

I came to him rejected and I left accepted.

Girls, it doesn’t matter where you have been or what you have done. You are not too dirty, too broken, too far gone. God sees you. Sis, He loves you, He chooses you. The plans He has for you far surpass anything you could ever think, dream, or imagine.

Your biggest fan,

April