Soft Hearts Take Hard Work

To the girl who has a soft heart. Have you ever felt so deeply in a situation that
you felt embarrassed afterward? I can think of numerous moments where I felt so
passionately about something that when I voiced that passion, I was moved to tears.
That probably isn’t terrible to most people but when you’re trying to be a God fearing
Boss Lady and you cry in the middle of taking a stand for something you believe in, it
feels like the worst move you can make. I can speak from personal experience and I
cringe at those interactions every time I think about them.

I have learned a lot of lessons over my years but the one I am currently working
on is keeping a soft heart in a world that thinks it takes more strength to have a heart of
stone. If you asked the people who I grew up around who to describe me they probably
would have said that I was goofy, klutzy, confident, kind, I loved people, and was
passionate about the gospel. No one has 100% confidence but for the most part I loved
who the Lord had made me to be. As I got older though, I began to feel frustrated that I
was not taken more seriously. My goofy demeanor was perfect for making people feel
comfortable but not always seen as valuable in a work setting. And I was not “overly
emotional” yet, my moments of passion began to be perceived as an overflow of
emotion that I could not control.

What was wrong with me? It must be how I’m communicating right? Or is it my
body language? So over the years I changed some of the things that came natural to
me. I was more direct, I would challenge people more, my body language was less
goofy depending on who I was talking to. I convinced myself that failure wasn’t an
option. And, I would let my compass be driven by what would impress people more than
what I actually felt conviction towards.

None of these things are inherently bad, actually there is benefit to most of them
at times. And though there is always room for personal growth, the truth is that I was
making my margin for understanding and compassion smaller and changing myself
because I didn’t see a path to achieve my goals while being myself. How was the girl
who regularly hit the wrong notes while leading a worship song supposed to be seen as
someone who could lead others into the presence of God? How was the girl who would
get teary eyed when she saw injustice supposed to be taken seriously when addressing
the issue?

This lesson isn’t just one that I have pondered when it comes to accomplishing
my goals. Have you ever hoped for something for so long that the emotional turmoil it
brings is just too much to bear? Me and my husband have been walking through a five
year fertility journey and still are waiting for God to provide a perfect little one. We live a
blessed life and sometimes the wait has been easy. I have even been thankful at times
that as I navigated through hard times that the Lord knew it wasn’t time for us to have a
child. But most of the time my heart aches for what we long for, to begin a family. And
as we wait in hope, sometimes the excruciating “No” or maybe better said, “Not Yet” hurts so bad that it seems easier to not hope at all. It’s crazy to say out loud but it would
be easier to just stay focused on what is in front of me instead of dreaming and hope
that one day God’s promises will come to fruition.

Holding onto hope and not allowing my heart to turn to stone has felt chaotic.
Sometimes I feel ease and other times grief which can quickly turn to hope or
desperation in the blink of an eye. And then on top of that I add the pressure of striving
to keep up with others expectations.

All of that tension has nearly broken me in the past but my current conviction has
not been to be heard, seen, or validated. My current conviction is to fight for the reality
that my heart can stay soft when the Spirit of the Lord is my shield. Ezekiel 36:26 says
this, “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will
remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”

Compassion, mercy, forgiveness, and hope are gifts that we are meant to wear
as badges of honor. It’s okay to forgive easily, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have
boundaries. It’s okay that instead of justice you choose mercy, that sounds like Jesus to
me. It’s okay that you are so moved by compassion for others that it brings you to tears.
It is a gift to understand what moves the heart of God. Hold onto hope even when it
hurts, hope is what reminds us that God is greater than our reality.

Don’t forget that when we are filled by the Spirit of the Lord our heart of stone is
transformed to a heart of flesh. Which, yes, means we are way more susceptible to
pain. But it also means that every glorious emotion we feel is a gift from God. It takes
more strength to stand tall with a soft heart than to walk through life with a heart of
stone. It takes immense vulnerability to let people see everything that makes you who
you are. Moments of joy and pain often go hand in hand, and both can be used to glorify
God.

My advice to you my friend is this, it may feel vulnerable to let your heart be seen
but this world needs your true authentic self. It needs to see you messy but hopeful. It
needs to see the love that you hold. Your convictions are God given and if your heart is
moved by them consider it a blessing that you are seeing life through the lens of our
father. You are mighty my friend and whatever that looks like to you, own it.