How I Overcame Sexual Temptation

When I was a kid, one of my best friends and I’s favorite activities was to get on her desktop computer and watch music videos on YouTube. (My parents didn’t like pop music so I would wait to go to her house to listen to the newest songs). At the age of 8, with the slip of a finger on the keyboard, we landed on a pornography website. We knew that we shouldn’t be on the site but childlike curiosity and childlike rebellion got the best of us. Our habit of watching music videos turned into the habit of watching pornographic videos. In my curiosity, I saw that the people in the videos were experiencing pleasure and so I started to try things on my own. At that young age, I developed a habit of masturbation that would quickly turn into an addiction I struggled with for years. 

As I journeyed through my middle and high school years, I struggled with feelings of loneliness, apathy, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Masturbation for me was something I could do to actually feel something positive if only for a short period of time. It was a way for me to escape my negative thoughts and in a weird way, made me feel less lonely and more desired. Little did I know that in reality, it was changing my thought patterns about my value and worth as well as changing my view of what a good relationship looked like. Towards the end of my high school years, I encountered Jesus for the first time in my life and accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. I was able to lean into His love and received a lot of healing from my suicidal and depressive thoughts, however, I did not surrender my sexual addiction at the time. As I grew in my relationship with Jesus, I was very excited to share what He did for me. I started getting involved in the church and volunteering as much as I could, all the while still struggling with this addiction. I tried to justify my actions to myself but I knew from the beginning, even before being Christian, that what I was doing was wrong. That’s where I let shame creep in. I hid so much of what I was struggling with because I believed two major lies. 

1. I believed that I was the only one struggling with sexual addiction.
2. I believed that the only parts that God wanted to have were the healed and perfect parts of my life. I believed that because I was Christian, God expected me to be perfect. 

Friends, let me tell you just how untrue those lies are! Firstly, you are so not alone in your struggle. That is why I am here writing my story. Secondly, God has never expected perfection from His children. Before God created Adam and Eve, He knew the fate of their story. He knew that they would not be perfect and that He would have to send His only son to die for this imperfection. Yet knowing this, He created them anyway. He desires a relationship with you so much, and never once did He expect you to be perfect. Let there be freedom in that! In the garden with Adam and Eve, after they ate the fruit it says they knew they were naked and hid. God’s response is this: “Where are you?” And “Who told you that?”. Why have you gone away from me and who told you I expected perfection?  I’m going to share some practical things that helped me overcome my addiction but the first step is to stop hiding from God. In fact, run to Him and learn firsthand that your story and your struggle isn’t too much for Him. He loves you and He welcomes you with open arms. 

The second step is telling someone else. God says that we are not meant to do life alone. Here is what telling someone else can do. 

• It gives you accountability
• It reminds you that you are not alone
• It gives you an encourager when things get difficult or when you mess up

Okay, so you went to God, you told a friend, now what? For me, quitting was a process. Often when you talk to recovering addicts, they will tell you how many days months or years clean they are. That can be a motivating number, so if that is helpful, start with small goals and then start hitting them! For me though, that number was actually a setback. I would quit, fail, feel bad about failing, and then turn to masturbation to make me feel better which then made me feel worse! Here are some things I needed to call out and identify to help break me out of this cycle:

Collect data: How much and how often is your behavior? What are you thinking right before you do it? What are the actions that led you to this place? 

• The acronym HALT is a good way to start. Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? I also had to realize that some of the shows, movies, and even books that I was viewing would trigger me. 
• What are the objectives behind the behavior? What does it do for me? 
• Does it feel stress relieving? Does it temporarily make me feel better about my body? Does it just temporarily feel good? 
• What problems do this behavior cause? 
• It ruins how I understand worth, it skews my ideas of relationships and sexual pleasure, it makes me want to hide from God, it perpetuates feelings of depression, and it has the potential to ruin future relationships. These are only a few ideas but make it personal to what you care about. 
• Goal setting
• Make sure the goal is achievable and then share your goal with that accountability partner we talked about before. 
• Be mindful of your progress
• Keep track of your thoughts when you are most tempted. You don’t have to judge these thoughts. If quitting isn’t feeling easy, you are not alone! 

As you start to identify your triggers and the thought patterns you have behind the action, it is good to have a “toolbox” of things you can do to leave that place in your mind. Here are some things that help me when I feel tempted:

• Reading my Bible or praying
• Calling a friend, or talking to a family member (know that this talk doesn’t have to be about feeling tempted. It’s just a way to exit the tempting thoughts)
• Exercising
• Cleaning or doing chores
• Listen to a podcast (May I recommend The Asterist Podcast!)
• Address your HALTs; eat something if you’re hungry, take some deep breaths and pray for peace if you’re angry, find someone to talk to if you feel lonely, and sleep if you’re tired!

1 Corinthians 6:18 says to literally run from sexual sin. This means running away from what tempts you. If that means you can’t watch certain shows without being triggered, stop watching them. If that means you can’t listen to certain songs without feeling lonely then don’t listen to those songs! If you can’t be in your room alone without being tempted, keep your door open! Get so intentional about quitting!

Here’s the thing though. It isn’t a battle that you have to face alone. 

“Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God’s.” 2 Chronicles 20:15

I used to get so anxious about keeping my mind pure from sexual thoughts and temptations. I would think something impure, I would be tempted and start praying anxiously. This is how my prayer would look:

“God I’m so sorry for this thought. I don’t want this thought. I don’t know why I am having it. I’m sorry God, take it away. Why do I keep thinking this way. Lets talk about something else so that I stop thinking about it. Wait I’m still thinking about it. Now that I’m telling you about it, I can’t stop thinking about it. AHHHH!”

I was doing the right thing by praying but I was still so anxious about having the wrong thoughts. The counter to this might sound cheesy but it is to have genuine gratitude. Psychologists have discovered that gratitude and anxiety cannot exist together so here is how my prayers shifted:

“God, I am struggling with this thought and I’m sorry that I am here again. Lord, please change my heart to be like yours. Thank you that you go with me to fight my battles. Thank you you are my battle leader, that you are a mighty warrior, that you have already won, that you are giving me victory. Thank you that you are my sustainer. Thank you that you have given me this day. Thank you that you offer peace and a resting place. Thank you for loving me the way that you do.” 

This kind of prayer melts away anxiety and fear. Instead of anxiously going to the Lord with your thoughts, you can go rest in His presence. And friends, his presence is offered even when you aren’t perfect and it is especially available to you when you mess up.